in the psycho life of vix

hey people, i havent been on here for ages because i have just got the internet back in. Well the situation finally resolved itself with andrew... i now live with my mate beth who i knew from college and after two months of singledom now have a new boyfriend called richard. He is 27, a head chef and plays rugby :)he is lovely, not my usual type but that has to be a good thing because the rest of my exes are complete and utter evil people lol. But yeah, life is good, hes not clingy, im not rushing into things and things are going well.
I went back to uni for my second year aswell and this year i am getting my head down and getting stuck in because i have my future to think of. I now have a lil law library going in the living room next to beths sociology library. I have never had so much fun as the fun i have had since i moved in here, i can go on nights out and i can also have a laugh in the house. i never had that with andrew, i used to go to uni, go to work, come home to andrew, make the tea and then go to sleep... with beth its different... i do my uni work, have a laugh, i am actually happy.
And i am also very happy today because i managed to get priority metallica tickets! XD i have wanted to see them live since i was like 11 or something... they are my alltime favourite band.. ac/dc coming a close second but i couldn't get tickets for them because ticketmaster kept crashing and then they sold out in 4 hours :(

Btw for anyone who actually reads these... i finished faith.. the book i have been writing for like three years now

love vix
xx xx xx

Current Location: living room
Current Mood: bouncy
Current Music: metallica! :)

i have only been single for three days and have recently got myself back onto msn and stuff. last night i was told off two different lads that they liked me as more then a mate.. i was like woah... hold on, im still heart broken over andrew and u guys are trying to get me to go out with you? i mean way to get someone who is vulnerable. i cant wait to get my life back, i am getting back with so many friends who i lost contact with when i was with andrew. i guess u can only truelly analyse a relationship once u are out of it. i am listening ot disturbed new album atm and loving it. i have found a bunch of stuff to knit for ehen i move in with beth on sunday because we wont be getting the internet in until later, but i will definately be getting it in. i hope that andrew realises that he cannot afford the flat that we shared without his dad and i hope that he has to move out of it, because he had a slight problem with impulsive buying, like we would get paid, pay the bills, i would buy the food and then he would go look i have bought u a hamster and i would be i dont like hamsters lol and he bought an air rifle and we just didnt have the money so i am glad i dont have to cope with his debt. YAY! slipknot comes to the arena in december!!! i have been wanting to see them live since i was 11! YAY! *does funky dance* well in the words of d:ream: "things can only get better..."

well i had better get myself to work

bye love vix
x x x

Current Location: my mams house
Current Mood: hopeful
Current Music: spineshank- obsessive compulsive

ok where do i begin? was dumped by andrew, thrown out of my hosue and everything has gone wrong.... i am lucky enough to have some great mates like melissa who bought me hot choccie and a rather expensive sandwhich and beth who is taking me into her home during my time of need.

well i am currently getting ready to go to college.i am in such a good mood! i managed to get all of my revision done when i was ill and now im better and raring to go! :D

love vix
x x x

Current Location: bedroom
Current Mood: giddy
Current Music: black label society

You betrayed me. You fucking betrayed me. At first I could cope with being friends with you but no... I don’t think I can. You knew I was cut up about him. You fucking knew. We broke up because of you. He liked you but couldn’t have you. So when I walked out of his house I bet you were the first person he spoke to. Did it make you feel good? Knowing that you would be hurting me? I guess it did or else you wouldn’t have done it. You were fucking him before we broke up.. I know that, everyone knows that. That night he slept at yours. I was told not to be so stupid… its fine… he wouldn’t do that to you. Oh but he would, and I was fucking right. I shouldn’t have trusted either of you, but I fucking loved him and you were my best friend. So I did… I trusted you. Then he stood me up. He was still at your house probably fucking your brains out, taking pictures of you in bed. 2 fucking days after we broke up you were with him, in gotham town, necking on and getting together properly. You hid this from me. I cried on you over him, not knowing that you were going out with him and you just kept telling me what a twat he was, making yourself out to be the victim and then kept telling me to forget about him. But a month later it all came out in the end. These past few nights I have been dreaming. Dreaming of paul, and it fucking hurts me, it hurts to know that he never loved me, that he loved you instead. It hurts to think that I was never good enough for him, it hurts that he keeps rubbing you in my face everytime I think that I cold try and be friends with him. I mean, you are a lot fitter and u have the perfect personality for any man. I betrayed me and didn’t tell me. You know how I found out about you and him? My friend who saw u al over eachother in town. It hurts to think that he has changed for you, into the person that I wanted him to be. I have a new bf now, but that doesn’t stop me from loving paul. You know that I am always going to love him. From now on, I disown you, you are no longer my friend, you are my enemy, and I will never trust either of you again. I am getting my stuff back off paul and I want Syi to come with me, so I can have support. So much for the huggle twins. I hope u both burn in hell for what you did to me and my final words: I hate myself for loving that bastard.

Current Location: bedroom
Current Mood: angry
Current Music: joan jett - i hate myself for loving you

well i aint posted on here for absolutely ages! well first of all, me and mr mangina are no longer going out. basically the twat went to hit me... so i told him to fuck off. i have been in abusive relationships before and he knew this. and ten i found out a few days ago that not only has he been shagging one of my best mates behind my back but they started seeing eachother 2 days after we broke up.. looks like he didnt think much of me. this happened over a month ago and i only found this out last week.
Well i pulled over a week ago now and i hope that he is not just a rebound becuase he is lovely. he's called simon and he plays rugby. me and him have a lot in common and i am going to take this one slowly. i dont want to get hurt again.

i have had a really good sleep last night because i dreamt that i beat up both paul and steff (my so called friend). i think i must have really needed to.

i cant wait until tonight its gunna be great. im qute pissed off tho because i have agreed to go out tonight and i was really looking forward to it... to find out that my EMA hasnt gone in.. yet again! i am so pissed off! i mean, i was in all of my lessons... and i remember donna apologising to me for not marking me in... but i am realy annoyed.. i mean... i have no money now to go out with :( i just hope that si has money. i have been wanting to see FM now for over a year and tonight i was goingto go and see them... :'(

im angry now.. very angry.

love vix
x x x

Current Location: kitchen
Current Mood: angry
Current Music: kittie

i dont seem to post on here as muuch as i used to... im sorry for that. im starting to realise just how much people can bullshit at college. i always try and see the good side in people but now this is just taking the piss... people lying about such important stuff... like being pregnant ( lorna has claimed that she is pregnant), being thrown out of thehouse (once again lorna)... etc.
why cant people just be who they are around us at college. its like everyone has a fucking porcelain mask and they never take it off in public because that shows the real them. instead, its like everyone has a certain image that they portray of themselves and only a select few seem to see the real them...
oh well... also the prom has been confirmed! 11th july, the day before my 19th birthday, so its gunna be fun and also i get to wear my lush red dress... paul says "he'll think about going"... i mean how can u say that to ur fiance? if he asked me to go to his prom, id be thrilled. its not like he doesnt know anyone at college cos he knows loads of people, so he wouldnt feel left out...

im quite happy, recently ive been going to sleep for 12 and then being able to wake up for college the next day! and also ive been doing my work for college too. im devastated though, because i may not be able to do the english language coursework i want to. if i cant do this transcript then i wont be happy and i wont get a good grade because it means that i wont enjoying it.

love vix
x x x

Current Location: bedroom
Current Mood: tired
Current Music: metallica

well... im currently at pauls house and all i can hear is him snoring. im just an ickle bit pissy because i came over to see him and here i am on his computer because he's asleep! it also means that hes gunna keep me up all night when i have to be in college tomorrow... grr... my back be hurting, im used to a nice comfy bed to sit on when im on my laptop but im sitting on pauls chair. i feel quite badtoday because i got an email off rebecca (one of my closest mates and my ex) saying she wanted to meet and stuff and i didnt check my emails until just before so basically ive stood her up! i feel so bad! my god, i found my old diary yesterday, i had a gud read and laugh... my god it spans from when i was with sean to when i first got with paul. i was so stupid in that thing! every other page was me saying how ugly i was and how love sucked.
well im gunna go and try and find sumthing to do so il tlk later.

love vix
x x x

Current Location: pauls bedroom
Current Mood: amused
Current Music: the sound of paul snoring

i think that pic exaplains it all! im so happy wiv myself!

love vix
x x x

Current Location: kitchen
Current Mood: cheerful
Current Music: the cult- she sells sanctuary

i felt so gud about myself today, then i get told of a so called friend that i need to get off my fat lazy arse, goto a gym,stop dressing like a whore and then i got tols that i hide my fat pretty wel, most of the time. he called it ocnstructive criticism... It made me feel so bad. But even worse, i made myself sick for the first time in a week :( also, i wanted to talk to paul this morning and his screen name said, read display pic. so i read it and i wasnt happy. he knows im al upset about how i look and heres him with a pic of another lasses tits on his dp! i dont care whos they are but he knew that i was upset so he shouldnt have done it. i honestly just feel like crying my eyes out, but im trying to be strong.

love vix
x x x

Current Location: the kitchen
Current Mood: gloomy
Current Music: the news

well since last night all ive done is throw up... i feel like shit! i had a really bad migraine at pauls house last night and his parents had to give me a lift home. as soon as i got out of the car i ran up to the toilet and i was sick, and things havent improved since then. so much for multi vitamins giving u a higher immune system... i am just on a downer at the minute. i managed to sort out my files for college ... finally. and ive done nothing but eat, throw it back up , tried to do some college work and slept. and then paul was playing his guitar down the computer to me, bless him. i feel like all my joints are aching... i feel so dirty because i hate being sick.. ( hence my battle wiv bulimia.. although all these times ive been sick has had nothing to do with that). also a few days ago i wrote a song called fallen angel:

This fire burns you from the inside out
Consuming your love, fuelled by your hate
It chokes you as you sleep
And drives you when you are awake

chorus
The hard you try
The harder you fall
Try to forget the past
Try to move on
But raging hate consumes you
You become it’s slave
With evil in your heart
You must kill again

Your attempts to stop are weakening
Feeding off your thoughts the anger stays
You bow down to it’s curse
And look at your blood splattered wings

Chorus

My fallen angel
Look at what you’ve done
See the faces of the millions
The people that you’ve killed before.

chorus


any comments would be appreciated.

Current Location: bedroom
Current Mood: ill
Current Music: korn

well... ive been at pauls since friday. its been ok, i had a bit of a breakdown on him last night because i had a gud cry, i felt so bad and stuff but i had no reason to be. i have sent sarah another myspace message because i want her to know that i was sorry for doing what i did. basically i was under the impression that she had cheated on me but it turns out that she hadnt and i used to love her. but now im with paul and even though im happy with him i want to still be her friend. Pauls currently asleep but i dont know for how much longer. we were both woken up by pauls mam playing keyboard full blast. so we were both in a bitchy mood. also, he went to sleep about half an hour ago but his step bro just came back with a bunch of people who are making shit loads of noise. bless him. well... i can hear their music form teh living room and he's only in the room next door to them...
ooo i hear stamping of feet and banging of doors i think he might be awake. aww...

right now onto ranting about college. im getting fucking sick f seeing certain individuals which i do NOT want to see, mainly jon and craig. (people who know me will know why, if not, read the rest of my journal) i see them everywhere, jon mainly who is the person i dont wanna see. i mean, just before my law exam i saw jon and my mate ellie actually tried to pull me away, thinking i hadnt saw him. im still walking on eggshells. not because im scared incase they do it again ( they cudnt in college) but because everytime i see them it brings back memories of what actually happened to me. im not going to let them get to me and fuck up this year, i NEED to get my grades, i got an offer through for my first choice so, assuming i get my grades it means that il be going there.

love vix
x x x

Current Location: pauls living room
Current Mood: tired
Current Music: the tv

i was extrememly pissed off and offended to come across this website... http://www.godhatesgoths.com

if you guys have time check it out. now i am christian, i wont deny it but this is just taking the piss. according to this website, all goths are potential terrorists. i think melissa will agree with me, that is NOT what being interested in the gothic lifestyle is about. i mean, when i was in my gothic stage ( i still am a bit but not as much, only when i go out) i never went around shooting people and stuff like what they are saying. i find this very offensive because the bible is supposed to be about how you are suppsosed to treat others as you would like to be treated and they are demonising the gothic movement and basically saying that they are big headed. i am christian and i am still interested in gothic stuff...does that mean im going to go to hell? i think melissa and everyone else will agree that this website is talking a pile of shite!

love vix
x x x

Current Location: bedroom
Current Mood: pissed off
Current Music: 3 doors down

well ive had quite a good weekend for doing sweet FA. On friday night pauls mam picked me up so i could stay there at the weekend like i normally do. Basically all ive done this weekend is revision, snuggled up on teh settee and on pauls bed watching films and tv, ive helped pauls mam, julie, clean up the house cos there is surveyers coming in tomorrow, it is our anniversary, we had fun *wink wink*. I find it funny, i was talking to a friend at college on friday and they were saying that everyone in teh students union had been making bets when me and paul started seeing eachother of how long we'd last, the most popular one seemed to be between a fortnight and a month. well screw them all! today is our 10 month anniversary. Its our 11 month anniversary on calentines day do how romantic is that? well me and paul ahve stopped arguing and everything is going good for once. i managed to get the majority of my college work dome apart fom my english language which i need melissa to give me the sheets for because ive lost them :/ Oh and a great achievement, i whooped pauls ass on soul calibur 3 about 2 hours ago!71 to 57... we wer playing head to head so i got 71 wins! w00t! mind you, he slaughtered me at need for speed carbon. The old paul is back, well not exatly the old paul... the ld paul was a twat, by the old paul i mean the one who would spend time with me and stuff. like this weekend he aint been on msn the entire time i was there. he went on msn as soon as i left to chat to his mates. ARGH! my mam has just walked in and started nagging me, i hate being nagged. its like, she'll tell me to do sumthing and i will, but in my own time, like, i have mor eimportant things to do then to go in the shower just yet, il do it once ive finished my law revision. but she cant seem to understand that the entire world doesnt revolve around her. i mean fair enough i know shes having problems but thats no reasin to take them out on me! id rather her talk them thru with me then shouting at me because she cant cope with them.

love vix
x x x

Current Location: bedroom
Current Mood: pissed off
Current Music: slipknot- vermilion

'What will your obituary say?' at QuizGalaxy.com

Current Location: bedroom
Current Mood: happy
Current Music: watching bad girls

i fell like i havent updated this thing for ages! wel first day back at college. it was ok, i got really hyper because i got to see all of my mates that i havent saw for ages. its like, this is gunna sound stuid but i honestly love college. i have so many friends there, and they are all appreciated. i managed to apologise to jeni in person for not going to her 18th and ive just had a gud day. i have my sociology exam on wednesday and then my law exam on teh 19th so its all gud. once i get these out the way il be ok. Things are going good for me and paul (hes ill atm bless him) and it seems like my life is finally getting in order.
My new years resoluions:
get pauls band sorted
sort out my life
be a better friend/daughter/family member/ fiancee

i feel like i havent been a gud friend etc to people and i dont think that people realise how much i appreciate them. i really do appreciate everyone, and even tho i wasnt the nicest person i cudve been, im working on it.
oh and the best thing to happen to me lately.. ive finally gone up a bra size! im now a 34/6 c! i came back to college andsum guy asked me if i had had a boob job lol. the thing is, im quite happy with them now.

l

Current Location: sitting room
Current Mood: happy
Current Music: watching football

well i aint been on here for a while. And first of all i want to apologise to jeni for not being able to come out for her birthday. i havent saw jenny for ages and my mam had arranged for me to go over to hers and if i didnt go over then she would terminate our friendship becaue i hadnt contacted her in nearly a year. And i tried to get her to cum out, but she has alocpecia so she wont go out to crowded bars.
PLus, im getting stressed with exams im trying to revise but the cases for law arent going in and also im finding it hard to revise in general. Its the bullet for my valentine gig tonight so im excited for it.
i was playing battlefields with pauls ex yesterday, now that was funny. she wanted him back and stuff and hes been telling her where to go since march so ud think she wouldve got the hint by now. but i think she got the hint yesterday.
i found loads of pics from my school days yesterday and i miss the good old days. I mean everyone has hanged so much!
My new years resolutions:
. get into uni
. Pass my exams
. be more focused in lessons
. make time for mates more
. try not to depress everyone
. lose weightin a healthy way

Blaze, my puppy's baby teeth are coming out so theres little needle like teeth all over the floor at the minute and he has got into a habit of chasing his tail. He's so cute! he can get a bit vicious at times but thats because he gets hyper. Its just funny though because blaze hates paul. i think its because paul insults him and blaze dont like it. BLESS! Blaze also likes to have something in his mouth to show off to us, hes so cute!

love vix
x x x

ps- just a quick mesage to all of my mates, i miss you all!

Current Location: bedroom
Current Mood: hyper
Current Music: bullet for my valentine

im NOT happy. its christmas eve, and no one wants to spend any fucking time with me! My mam just had a right go at me for smoking in the house. shes saying that its bad for ehrs and jessicas chests ( they both have asthma) i wouldnt mind, but she sits in a room with my dad who smokes like a fucking chimney! Also, paul is over and all he wants to do is sleep! And then i tried to see if my sis wanted to spend time with me but no, she had better things to do... so basically im all alone this xmas, in my fucking bedroom, on the floor ( becasue paul has took over my bed) and i just want to fucking cry! christmas is supposed to be a happy time but at the minute i just want to curl up into a little ball and not have emotions at all. I mean, paul was so loving ot me this weekend and now we are at my house its like hes turned into mr twat.. i dont know why. I mean he didnt have to spend xmas with me if he didnt want to... but he said he wanted to spend time with me this xmas and all hes done is sleepp. I mean i was shattered this morning but he wudnt let ME go back to sleep because HE wanted coffee and he wudnt let me rest until i made him it.. i just feel like his skivvy sometimes :(

love vix
x x x

Current Location: on my bedroom floor
Current Music: thesound of paul snoring

well just came back from my appointment. I aint a paranoid schizophrenic... the voices ive been hearing are just extreme self talk. and im NOT paranoid! i have insecurity issues... and i told him EVERYTHING, i need to learn how to be assertive with anger, and i am in no way aggresive because i dont go around luking for a fight. And i have to see a specialist about my bulimia. The voices are just extreme self talk and i have nothing to be worried about, just my bulimia. they aint gunna put me away yet lol.
i just have a very low self esteem atm and everything but my mates ahve been making me feel loved so woo! im so happy... apparently theres a grop in newcaslte that deals with people with bulimia so im going there.
and plus i have multi vitamins so i can give myself a health boost.

love vix
x x x

Current Location: living room
Current Mood: cheerful
Current Music: black sabbath

yes folks, once again, im still ill, contaminated with flu. i woke up at 11.30 to hear that paul had rang for me at 9 this morning. He rang me to tell me about how he has the new cradle of filth album. it was quite amusing tho becuase his favourite song on teh album is a gay iconm 0s anthem and he didnt know lmao! i was like they arent allowed to cover that song! and he was like, no, they wrote it.. i just laughed when he realised that he was wrong
i need more sleep, even tho ive spent most of my day sleeping... *yawn* needing more sleep...

my god, ive been up for 3hours and im still tired. I cant believe they are axing bad girls! i m actually quite relived, im a huge bad girls fan but the thing is tho, its went bad ever sdince yvvone atkins died.

love vix
x x x

Current Location: bedroom
Current Music: waching bad girls series 4